August 19th, 2008 — Recipes
If you ever work for a government protective agency like the FBI or CIA, you’re like to be connected to Saudi Arabia in some way or another. And in the case that you’re sent there in response to a terrorist attack, here is a recipe that will help prepare your palate for the food it can expect. Begin by cutting the Syriana into 1 inch cubes. Put the Fahrenheit 9/11 and Live Free or Die Hard into a food processor until finely chopped. Put all ingredients into a covered saucepan along with 1 cup of water and simmer for 1 hour over low heat. Serve over a creamy rice mixture and you’re good to go. And if you do ever go there, not everyone is trying to kill Americans so you can still make friends with some of the natives … but there are a good number who aren’t as nice, so be careful.
August 18th, 2008 — Recipes, Sous Chef
This is the first recipe we’ve done where one of Sous Chefs, Joel, helped contribute. Hopefully we’ll see a lot more from him in the future.
We’ve done Crunk Juice before, but it doesn’t even compare. The absolute end-all in energy drinks, Booty Sweat will make your face melt…it’s that awesome. Take all the ingredients and mix them together in an air tight container. Shake it like you’re crip walkin’ to the fly sounds of MC Hammer. Chill it for a while in the fridge then you’re ready to get on down with some Booty Sweat. It pairs nicely with a “Bust A Nut” bar and is refreshing when you’re trekking through the jungles of Nam.
August 15th, 2008 — Recipes
There is nothing sweeter than sugar, so what can be more romantic than giving your sweetie a homemade ring pop. It’s really quite simple, begin by boiling The Wedding Singer in a small pot. Next, add in What a Girl Wants and continue to boil and stir until most of it is dissolved. Remove from heat and add Nutty Professor II to flavor and a couple of drops of Rookie of the Year then pour the solution into a shallow but wide container. Let a sugar-coated string hang into the center via a pencil across the top of the container and weigh the hanging end down with something small. Wait 4-7 days for the crystals to form. Then, carefully smooth out the edges to the desired shape with either a file or sand paper. Once finished, heat the bottom of the candy with a flame until it is slightly melted and place onto the ring and hold until it re-hardens. Then you can give it to your sweetheart and marry her like you planned all those years ago.
August 14th, 2008 — Recipes
If you plan on being a hardened gun-runner, you’re going to need to consort with some shady characters on occasion. Meet them in a seedy bar and order this especially manly drink and you’re sure to convince them you mean business. Mix the Blood Diamond with the American Gangster in a high ball glass filled with cracked ice. Top it off with the Blow. Add the spash of Thank You For Smoking for a hint of sweetness - just to take the edge off - and get ready to sell some guns. Make sure you offer your client a drink too. And pick up the tab…you don’t wanna get shot with your own “products” later.
August 13th, 2008 — Recipes
If you plan to score big in Vegas, you need to look like you’re a high roller. Along with your Armani suit and Ferrari, a posh shrimp cocktail will help you complete your ensemble. Begin by mixing The Sting with Bandits and mix until the The Sting has changed from red to dark pink. Add in Matchstick Men and mix again. Lastly add in the juice of The Bank Job, add more for a smoother finish or less for a little more kick. Serve in a martini glass with 11 The Italian Jobs, one for you and each of your accomplices, I mean associates.
August 12th, 2008 — Recipes
When your child is literally the devil, you may find it difficult to feed him. What with the always trying to murder you or projectile vomit on you, you can’t really get all that close. You can try to lure them to the kitchen to get some of this homemade fudge…laced with cyanide to try and “calm them down.” Break apart The Exorcist and melt together with the Pet Sematary over low heat. Stir until it’s smooth and then mix in the Emily Rose extract. Lastly, carefully drop in your Bless the Child. Be sure not to get any on you. Pour your fudgicide into an 8×8 pan and chill in the fridge for a few hours until it sets. Make sure you don’t like the bowl!! Once it’s set, cut it into squares and coax your devil child to the kitchen for some deviously delicious treats.
August 11th, 2008 — Recipes
When you’re out trying to debunk the religious explanations of paranormal activities into a series of simple causes and effects, you’re likely to travel the world around. Which also mean, that you’re likely to try a variety of food. One food that you will encounter the world over is fish. Though the type of fish or the spices may change, it is eaten pretty much the world over. Begin by mixing The Wicker Man and The Grudge in a bowl. Slather The Omen with Signs and then dip in The Wicker Man and The Grudge mixture. Sear on all sides in a skillet and enjoy. Be sure to eat it fast as it can sometimes attract what seems like a plague of insects, thereby rendering it inedible.
August 8th, 2008 — Recipes
What better dish to celebrate the Cornival than the old reliable corn-on-the-cob. Honestly, this recipe is so simple and delicious you might find yourself celebrating the Cornival more than once a year. Begin by pulling back the husk of Man of the House being careful not to pull it off. Spread 2 pats Just Friends on the Man of the House then sprinkle on Teaching Mrs. Tingle. Pull husk back up to cover Man of the House and put on a grill for about 10 minutes. Next, remove the husk and spread on the remaining pat of Just Friends and dig in. We suggest you be wary of challenging anyone to an eating contest with this dish, chances are that your opponent will enjoy this as much as you, so no matter how large your appetite it’s probably a toss up as to who will win.
August 7th, 2008 — Recipes
Everyone knows about the Three Laws of Robotics. But what most people don’t know is that there was a fourth law that Isaac Asimov didn’t bother to write down: “A robot doesn’t have to eat.” As far as recipes go, robots don’t really care, but they do occasionally need some oiling up. So here’s a lovely robot oil solution you can use to lube up your robot or help season some fish or beef. The important thing is to ensure that your oils all mix well so they don’t separate. The way to do that is to stir them into each other one at a time and heat them slightly as you mix. So do just that in a pan. When it’s done, you can pour it into a jar or an oil can and use it when necessary. Make sure you save your oil to use on your favorite robot…maybe the one you’d like to be friends with? He might end up repaying you later if you’re nice to him.
August 6th, 2008 — Recipes
Even though most of the societies in our world now frown upon cannibalism, you can’t ignore past history and the fact that eating human flesh was once occasionally necessary for survival or for “special ceremonies.” In the event you need to survive or maybe you have the urge to hold some crazy ceremonial human barbecue, you can use this rub to flavor up your arm or leg or what have you. Mix the Fracture, Se7en, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre together and then pour in the Saw. Mix well, and then spread on your hunk-o-meat. If you’ve got the time, let it sit for a while to let the flavors really penetrate the meat. Cook it if you’d like…or don’t…it’ll probably be just as good either way.