Movie Recipes

• 3 ripe The Girl Next Door
• 1 Breakfast at Tiffany’s, juiced
• 2 Pretty Woman, cut into rounds
• 1/2 medium Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, chopped

If you’re going to have a party where people plan on hooking up a little, then you definitely need to make sure you have food available that doesn’t wreak havoc on your breath a la salsa.  You can still have your chips, but be sure to substitute this guacamole for the salsa.  It’s flavorful enough that it’s enjoyable, but bland enough that you don’t taste it for days.  Just peel and mash the avocados and fold in the chiles, onion, and lime juice.  Refrigerate before serving.  It’s so good that it may even convince Guido the killer pimp to stop chasing you, giving you ample time to study for that trig test later.

• 2 The Godfather
• 2 Blow
• 1/2 Training Day, diced
• 2 The Departed, over easy

Nothing beats the normal breakfast combo at your favorite diner … unless you make it yourself.  Be sure to make all of the individual parts in the same skillet to assure the same mixing of flavors as the diner.  Cook the bacon and sausage first because the grease is what unifies the flavor throughout.  Then cook the hash browns and finish with the eggs.  Serve with a side of toast.  The great thing about making it yourself is that you have ample time to order a hit, and even take care of it yourself, without worrying about your food getting cold.

• 1 Stranger Than Fiction
• 1 Swimming Pool
• 1 The Hours
• 1/2 cup Identity

This is a good Matryoshka’esque recipe.  It’s a turducken!  Just put the The Hours in the Swimming Pool, and put the Swimming Pool in the Stranger Than Fiction.  Rub the Identity all around the outside of The Hours and bake at 375 for 95 minutes.  Just make sure you keep which one you’re eating straight so you don’t get lost in a downward spiral of despair.

• 1 part Road Trip
• 1 part Legends of the Fall
• 2 splashes Bottle Rocket
• 2 I Heart Huckabees, skewered

Should you ever find yourself a) on a train, and b) longing for the taste of cough syrup … this drink will meet your needs.  First, find your way to the beverage car and ask for a martini, but be sure to request these three changes to it: First, substitute rum for vodka; second, substitute a simple syrup for vermouth; and lastly, substitute two splashes of grenadine for the olives.  The onions can stay.  You’ll be amazed at how accurately this substitutes for cough syrup, just don’t drink so many that you accidentally lose track of your pet cobra … this is generally frowned upon, especially on trains.

• 1/3 cup Big Daddy
• 1/3 cup Jersey Girl
• 1/3 cup The School of Rock

This is a really super duper fabulously simple parfait you can make whenever you just wanna relax after a long day at work.  Just layer an equal amount of each of the ingredients in your favorite tall glass and just eat it right up with a spoon.  It’s even better if you have someone to share it with!

• 2 pieces thick-sliced Funny Farm
• 1 slice Premonition
• 1 slice Click
• 2 pats The Butterfly Effect

Well, it’s Groundhog Day…again…and that must mean we’re up here at Gobbler’s Knob waiting for the forecast from the world’s most-famous groundhog weatherman, Punxsutawney Phil, who’s just about to tell us how much more winter we can expect.  Ah, grilled cheese.  That’ll help make the wait seem a little shorter.  The good thing is that tomorrow, when you’re waiting for the groundhog again, you can mix it up a little and have a different variation of your grilled cheese sammich.  With hundreds of varieties of bread and cheese there are endless numbers of combinations to satisfy your palate.

• 3 cups There’s Something About Mary
• 2 cups Meet the Parents paste
• 2 Tbsp The Last Kiss
• a dash of License to Wed

There’s nothing like your mother-in-law’s cooking, and we mean that in a bad way.  For some reason, it never tastes quite right.  There’s always a little too much of this or not enough of that, so no matter how closely you follow this it won’t taste right.  Begin by boiling “There’s Something About Mary” until most of the strong flavors are gone.  Drain and then smother it with “Meet the Parents.”  Sprinkle with a mixture of the others and that’s as good as it’s going to get.  It’s not like your gag reflex will kick in, but you’ll spend most of the time wondering why it tastes funny, it’s just spaghetti for crying out loud!

• The Banger Sisters
• City Slickers
• Sideways
• Planes, Trains & Automobiles

The good thing about road food is that it’s delicious and comforting.  It really makes you feel like you made the right choice when you stopped at this little joint along the way.  The good thing about this recipe is that it’s really like 50 recipes in one.  You can literally take any combination and amount of the ingredients and deep fry them together and you’re certain to get something good.  The only thing I’d mention is that you should be cautious not to anger any local biker gangs or hostile denizens.  That could land you in some trouble.

• 1 Psycho
• 1 pkg The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning rods
• 1 vanilla Wrong Turn cup
• 1 pkg The Hills Have Eyes

Anyone that has road-tripped and stayed at less than glamorous motels, will tell you that any food in the vicinity is pretty bland and unfulfilling – including the vending machine food.  Here’s a quick fix snack that isn’t anything to send a postcard home to mom about, but it’s somewhere between not-so-bad and almost fantastic.  First, push about 5 of the pretzel rods through a twinkie at 90 degree angles.  Then spoon a couple of dollops of the vanilla pudding on top and sprinkle some M&M’s on top and enjoy.  It’s no combo meal, but it will satisfy a sweet and salty craving and is filling enough to last until you can get back on the road.

• 2 Porky’s crusts
• 2 cans Fast Times at Ridgemont High
• 1 1/2 cups American Pie
• 2 Tbsp The 40 Year Old Virgin

This is a really simple, yet 100% scrumptious, recipe for apple pie.  Just mix the apples, sugar, and cinnamon together and pour in one of the crusts.  Cover with the other, cut in a few slits in the top, and bake it until it’s nice and golden.  The best part is that there are lots of ways to enjoy pie.  You could get someone special to share it with or just ravage the whole thing by yourself in one go; it’s really up to you.  If you’ve never had apple pie before though, you’re surely in for a treat.  I’d bet money you’ll bake this up over and over again.