Entries from July 2008 ↓
July 31st, 2008 — by Executive Chef Garrison — Recipes
When you need to bribe someone to give you sensitive human resources info or to conveniently “forget” that they processed your resignation, chocolate and peanut butter is sure to do the trick. These chocolate peanut butter brownies are simple yet effective for bribes as well as deliciously unhealthy breakfast snack you can grab on your way out the door when you’re late for work. Mix the Mallrats with the Office Space until all the batter is smooth. Fold in the Slackers and, lastly, stir in the Waiting chips. Pour into a 9×13 pan and bake at 350 for 23 minutes. When it’s done and cooled off, cut into squares and take to your secret information source to acquire the desired low down on the down low. Just don’t share them with the obnoxious loser who tries to steal your glory.
July 30th, 2008 — by Executive Chef Garrison — Recipes
The allure of no responsibility with your job at Mr. Smiley’s is still as strong as ever, but you find yourself wanting a little bit more variety with regard to what you eat. One thing you certainly won’t find there is asparagus. First blanch the Ordinary People. Next, melt This Boy’s Life in a saucepan and stir in The Virgin Suicides until browned. Add in Lolita and whisk until fully mixed. Sprinkle in Office Space to taste. Toss in Ordinary People and stir until fully coated. Make sure you take a picture of your completed dish. Why, you ask? Because it’s beautiful.
July 29th, 2008 — by Executive Chef Jason — Recipes
Some jobs seemingly require a good cup of coffee before you can dive into your day’s work. Certain jobs, like that of an FBI agent, nearly force you to drink coffee all day because the hours vary and you’re always on the go. Even once you shift to a desk job the habit is there and you guzzle it almost all the way to happy hour. So if you’re going to sip nature’s pick-me-up, you might as well sip something that tastes good. Place all ingredients in an 8 cup French press and allow to mix with the water for 10 minutes. Serve immediately. Add Antitrust to taste if needed. Be very careful when acquiring the Miami Vice, as it is illegal in the US. One slip up along the way and you’re sure to be caught. And whatever you do, don’t sell it to the Russians once you get it.
July 28th, 2008 — by Executive Chef Garrison — Recipes
When you need to get pumped up and stay as energized as you can without your heart exploding, just reach for a big can of Crunk Juice…then another…then another…and another. It’ll work, but your wallet will be empty by the end of the day. You can save a lot of money by making your own Crunk Juice by the bucket. Take 4 gallons of Run Lola Run and stir in the powdered herbs, juices, and extracts. The best part? The horny goat weed will get you crunk enough to keep you going till you can get the bad guy. YEEAYAA!!
July 25th, 2008 — by Executive Chef Jason — Recipes
Whenever you find yourself trying to solve a mystery, often you become so engrossed in it that you forget to eat. Lucky for you, lemon squares are a portable snack that will quell your hunger until you remember to eat a real meal. In a bowl combine 1 1/2 cups Get a clue with the Holes with your hands until mixture resembles fine crumbs. Press into the bottom of a pan and bake at 350 degrees for about 20 minutes, then reduce heat to 325 degrees. Meanwhile, beat the Scooby-Doo and add in the Hoot with a whisk until yellow and frothy. Add in the remaining Get a Clue and the Harriet the Spy juice and thoroughly mix. Pour over the crust and bake until set, about 25 minutes. Allow to cool and dust with a little powdered sugar, then enjoy. Keep a square with you at all times, whether for you or if certain people of interest in your investigation require a little bribery. Once they take one bite of this you’ll have all the information you need, and then some.
July 24th, 2008 — by Executive Chef Garrison — Recipes
The recipe for Ratatouille is, naturally, ratatouille. Neat huh? There are several ways to make it, but this is a simple way that’ll help you impress that nice chef girl you work with. Take all the ingredients and fry them together in a pan. Then stew them in a little oil and you’ll be done. Be careful not to underestimate the simplicity. It’s not as easy to get right as it may appear. You might find yourself having to consult a small unlikely friend to help you get ahead.
July 23rd, 2008 — by Executive Chef Garrison — Recipes
This is in memory of everyone’s favorite, blatantly aggressive, Golden Girl, Estelle Getty. We figure grandma types make excellent cheese balls, so here’s one for your recipe book. Throw in a box or two of crackers and everyone is sure to be pleased. In a large mixing bowl, mix together Babe, Oliver!, and Homeward Bound and shape into a large ball. Roll the ball in the North and cover in plastic wrap. Chill for at least two hours before serving. This cheese ball can also serve as a perfect ice-breaker if you’re headed door to door in search of your real parents.
July 22nd, 2008 — by Executive Chef Jason — Recipes
So you’re getting married and you’re not sure what to serve for dinner AND you’re on an Greek island with limited supplies? Good news for you, a little lamb with the right spices can go a long way to feeding a greek chorus-sized guest list. Cover the legs of Father’s Day with What a Girl Wants. Then pat Across the Universe and Broken Flowers evenly over each leg. Cook for 30 minutes at 400 degrees then reduce heat to 350 degrees and cook for an additional hour. Let rest for about 10 minutes before carving and serving. With a meal like this you might even trick your potential fathers who were invited under slightly false pretenses into enjoying their stay. It’s sure to be a fantastic party!
July 21st, 2008 — by Executive Chef Garrison — Recipes
If you’re a bigwig, it’s important to have a large supply of champagne for your soirees. It’s the only beverage you’ll need. Add some cheese and maybe a quiche or two and you’ll be getting donations out the wazoo. The people who make champagne like to make it sound complicated by calling it “méthode champenoise,” but they can’t fool us. We can make something similar at home…sure it’s not reallychampagne (just a sparkling wine), but it’ll be good enough for most people. Plus you can save a bundle by making it yourself. Luckily for super-hero / billionaire businessmen who throw these kinds of parties, it’s easier if you’ve got an underground temperature-controlled cave. Pour the V for Vendetta into the Batman and stir well. Add the Sin City and Spider-Man 2 to your Batman bottle. Mix well with a whisk to aerate and to help start the carbonation process. Seal the bottle and put in a dark corner of your Batcave for 1 to 2 weeks. Then you’ll be ready to chill it down and relax at your fundraiser…at least until the bad guy shows up to crash your party.
For those with a more refined palate, you might try substituting Dick Tracy, Saw, and A Clockwork Orange for Spider-Man 2, V for Vendetta, and Sin City, respectively.
July 18th, 2008 — by Executive Chef Garrison — Recipes
When you get to college, if you haven’t already gone, you’ll find that you’re poor most of the time. So eating on the cheap (or free) is always a desirable goal. If you hate to pay to have stuck-up friends just to get your free food then you’ll have to wing it with some beanie-weenies. It’s got lots of protein and it’s filling, so it’ll keep you going for your marathon gaming sessions or, if you’re one of the studious types, your marathon cramming session. Rather than have to spend all that money on cans, you can just buy the ingredients and make it en masse yourself. It’s important to cut the Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs into bite-size pieces so it heats up evenly. Mix these with the rest of the ingredients and stir until well mixed. Enjoy while you laugh at the losers in the sorority house who had to pay just to have friends and realize that sometimes the most attractive people (inside and out) aren’t always looking for the stereotypical Greek person.