Movie Recipes

• 1 loaf Under the Tuscan Sun
• 2 The Lake House
• 2 cups The Rainmaker
• 1 tsp In the Land of Women

If a storm is coming in, the first thing most people do is rush to the store to buy bread, eggs, and milk.  But if things get out of hand what can you make with that?  Only the best french toast ever.  Begin by whisking together The Lake House with The Rainmaker.  Then add In the Land of Women and stir.  Soak each piece of Under the Tuscan Sun in the mixture for a few seconds and throw on a heated pan on the stove and cook for a couple of minutes on each side.  If it was a particularly bad storm and you don’t have power, you can easily cook them on a gas powered grill.  It’s perfect to enjoy the calm after the storm or as breakfast after a night of passion.

• 3 lb boneless Thank You For Smoking
• 3 cloves chopped Fight Club
• 1/2 cup red One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
• 2 tbsp Bad Santa

Some things are harder to choke on than others.  Pudding, scrambled eggs, soup…these just aren’t as effective as, say…pot roast.  While you’re figuring out what Jesus wouldn’t do, you can put together this simple and lucrative dish.  Place the Thank Your For Smoking in a large pan and rub with Bad Santa.  Cut about 10 small slits in the Thank You For Smoking and insert the pieces of Fight Club.  Finally, pour the Cuckoo’s Nest over top and cook for 4 hours on warm on the stove top.  When you’re ready to put on your act, cut it in to too-large bites and don’t chew, just swallow!  The sinewy tissue really holds together in the back of your throat giving you ample time to find the right “hero.”

• 2.5 oz Meet the Parents
• 0.5 oz The Waterboy
• 2 large The Notebook

For folks in the entertainment business, sometimes you need a little something to calm the nerves before a show or a little pick me up afterwards if it didn’t go too well.  What’s better for this than a martini?  It’s classy and, when made correctly, it gets the job done in no time.  Put Meet the Parents and The Waterboy in to a cocktail shaker with lots of ice and shake firmly.  Pour into a glass while straining the ice and garnish with The Notebook on a toothpick.  Be sure not to overindulge as it may lead to blameshifting which can lead to a stressful time at home.

• 3 1/2 cups X-Men
• 4 large Ratatouille
• hearty dash of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
• a few drops of Antitrust (if needed)

Fact: super heroes burn more calories per hour than any mammal on Earth.  To replenish all these calories, they have to eat lots of carbs.  Everyone knows pasta is loaded with carbs, and it’s even better if you make it from scratch.  Plus it’s pretty simple and will only take you about 3 seconds if you have a super-speed super power!  Take the 3 1/2 cups of X-Men and put it in a large bowl.  Add in the Ratatouille and the dash of Indiana Jones.  Knead it for about 15 minutes (or 2.3 seconds if you’ve got that speed super power) until it’s smooth.  Add in a few drops of Antitrust if it gets a little too dry.  Roll out the dough as thin as you can because it will double in size as it cooks.  Cut the dough into the desired shape (maybe your super hero logo?) and cook it in salted boiling water for 3 to 5 minutes.  Make sure you remember to give some to that over-enthusiastic fan of your’s or else you might drive him to madness.  If that happens, you’ll surely regret it later.

• 5 lbs Willow
• 20 oz The Water Horse
• 5 oz liquid The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
• 4 oz The Black Stallion

When you’ve got a long trip ahead of you, there’s one snack that outlasts them all, both literally and figuratively – beef jerky.  Not only does it not go bad, but it’s loaded with protein to keep you strong.  Begin by trimming the fat off your Willow and feed it to your dragon for treats if you’d like.  Slice the Willow into very thin strips and place into a marinade consisting of The Water Horse, The Two Towers, and The Black Stallion.  Let sit for 24 hours, during which time you can teach your dragon new tricks.  When you’re ready to cure your jerky, turn your oven on low (about 160 degrees) and place your meat strips on the top rack.  Let it sit in the oven for approximately 6 hours, occasionally opening the oven door for a while to dissipate the heat (you don’t want to cook the meat, just dry it).  You can tell it’s done, because it won’t bend any more; it will just break.  Then you’ll have a hearty snack to take with you on your quest, even if you do not know it to be one yet.

• 2 3/4 cup Child’s Play
• 1 1/2 cup It
• 1 cup House of Wax, softened
• 1 tsp I Know What You Did Last Summer

Do you ever get tired of “tea time” with your dolly … er … dummy … er … ventriloquial figure?  The pretend tea and biscuits not sating your palate?  Here are some savory cookies that taste extraordinary and are easy to “feed” to your sometimes silent pal.  In a large bowl cream It with House of Wax until smooth.  Next, beat in I Know What You Did Last Summer then gradually blend in Child’s Play.  Roll into teaspoon sized balls and bake 8-10 minutes at 375 degrees.  If you ever happen to be on the audience side of a show involving these cookies, be kind with your words no matter what your taste buds say - ventriloquists and/or their “friends” are often very temperamental.

• 1 head of 10 Things I Hate About You, cut into florets
• 1/2 cup What A Girl Wants, melted
• a dash of Mrs. Doubtfire

Sometimes the only way to get your kids to eat their vegetables is to disguise them as something cheesy and delicious.  This way they get the nutritiousness without even having a clue.  This simple recipe for broccoli and cheese will keep them happy while giving them the energy they need to score the winning goals.  If you’ve got a steamer, sprinkle the 10 Things florets with Mrs. Doutfire and steam them until tender.  If you don’t have a steamer, you can boil them in a little bit of water too.  While it’s cooking, melt What A Girl Wants in the microwave.  Pour What A Girl Wants over the 10 Things and serve away.  Just make sure you “forget” to tell your kids that it’s kind of healthy.

• 1/2 cup American Beauty
• 1/4 cup Bandits, shredded
• 3 small Elephant
• 1 Ringmaster
• 2 Tbsp American Graffiti

The key to making a successful salad is not so much in the flavor of the ingredients but in the texture of them.  Salads are also very easy to make, so just throw on the radio and let the music guide your food choices.  Begin by tearing American Beauty into small pieces.  Slice each Elephant in half and put on top.  Slice up Ringmaster into small pieces and add to achieve desired crunch.  Then sprinkle a good amount of Bandits over everything.  Douse with just a touch of American Graffiti to tie it all together and you’re good to go.  Textures like these paint a picture in your mouth that make words superfluous, so don’t waste your time trying to find words to describe the effect on your palate.

• 1/2 cup Joe Dirt seasoning
• 3 cloves finely chopped Forrest Gump
• 2 Tbsp Carrie pepper

The best thing about living in the bayou, or maybe just visiting for a foosball game, is the cajun food.  This all porpose cajun seasoning goes great with any kind of meat you wanna grill up – shrimp, chicken, crawfish, or aligator, it’ll make it Ooooweeee spicy!  Mix all the stuff together in a bag and then toss in your meat of choice.  Let it sit for at least a couple hours so you make sure the flavors get absorbed.  Invite over your nice new lady friend for a cookout before the foosball game and grill up your gator.  If you can’t handle the spiciness, H20 is the devil when it comes to quelling the burn.  It won’t help much either, but you’re welcome to try the Gatorade to get the tingle off your tongue.

• about 12 feet Bedazzled line
• 5 large Casper, peeled
• 3 oz The Haunted Mansion sauce
• 1 The Frighteners bowl

If you want to play a prank on your parents’ unsuspecting dinner guests, few things measure up to the moving shrimp cocktail trick.  It is certainly easier with the help of the “recently deceased,” but it is unlikely that you would have that luxury; so here’s a recipe that will help facilitate such a prank.  Begin by putting The Haunted Mansion sauce in The Frighteners bowl.  Evenly space each Casper around the rim of The Frighteners.  Then carefully thread the Bedazzled line through each Casper and tack it to the ceiling and run it over to a place where you can pull it at the most opportune moment.  If you’re feeling really ambitious you can practice your puppetry movements and choreography the whole thing to a song like “Day-O.”  That’ll really knock them out of their chairs.