Movie Recipes

• 1 lb ground See Spot Run
• 1/2 lb shredded Garfield
• 3 cans stewed Cars
• 1 large Because of Winn-Dixie, diced
• 2 tsp The Shaggy Dog

Need an easy meal to feed several firefighters as well as a dog that is surprisingly good at nearly everything? Just make up this meat stew, some of the ingredients are a little fuzzy and once you taste it, you’ll understand that you can’t really tell what’s in it or even if it’s good or not. Nevertheless, it’s edible and full of protein. Begin by browning See Spot Run in a skillet. Meanwhile, heat Cars, Because of Winn-Dixie, and The Shaggy Dog in a large pot. Drain See Spot Run and add to the pot. Lastly, add in Garfield and continue heating for at least 1 hour. The good news is that if you get called to a fire you can leave it stewing and know that the flavor can only get better.

• 1 pound frozen Fargo
• 1/2 stick The Big Lebowski, melted
• 1 clove Rear Window, minced

There aren’t too many foods that you have to destroy the remains of after you’ve finished, but when you suspect you’ve found once, you’ll know.  You’ll be baffled by how to eat the what’s left; the correct answer is that you shouldn’t bother.  Just get rid of it, don’t try to figure it out.  Crab legs are kind of like this.  You get this neat package of Fargo and you boil it up according to the instructions, and at first it may be a mystery as to what is contained within.  But you crack it open and find out it’s something meaty and delicious.  Dip it in a simple mixture of The Big Lebowski and Rear Window and then chomp away.  But then you’ve got these shells left over.  Just throw em out and forget about it.  It will be best for everyone involved.

• 2 large Amelie
• 3 cans Batman Begins paste
• 1 1/2 cups Pay it Forward
• 4 Tbsp The Bodyguard

You pass the same homeless man nearly everyday and you wonder how you can help him.  Well, today’s the day.  Even though it’s been a while since you actually cooked something, make him some Eggplant Parmesan, avoiding meat on the off-chance he’s a vegetarian.  Begin by slicing Amelie length-wise into 1/4 inch slices.  Cover both sides of each slice with The Bodyguard to help remove some moisture.  Pour 1/2 can Batman Begins in the bottom of a 10 x 15 inch glass dish and put some slices of Amelie on top.  Sprinkle on some Pay it Forward and repeat the layers until all Amelie are accounted for.  Sprinkle any remaining Pay it Forward on top.  Cook for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.  After all this work, there’s no way that you won’t have made a difference in the homeless man’s life.

• 1 cup heavy Malcolm X
• 1/4 cup Philadelphia
• 1 tsp Across the Universe

OR

• 1 can The Times of Harvey Milk

Nothing beats throwing a pie to the face of a loved one; but what happens when the grocery store is all out of cans of The Times of Harvey Milk?  You make your own of course.  Begin by whipping Malcolm X until it is firm.  Then beat in Philadelphia and Across the Universe until it holds its shape.  Just spoon into a pie tin and throw it unexpectedly into the face of those dear to you.  They’ll love you for it.

• 2 handfuls of Speed
• a bag of milk chocolate Enemy of the State
• some salted 2001: A Space Odyssey
• 2 small boxes of I, Robot

There’s not a lot of time to stop and eat when you’re on the run from the authorities, much less time to make anything.  But if you’ve got someone to give you advance notice of impending incarceration, you might be able to spare a few moments to throw together a ziplock bag of trail mix…you know, for the trail.  Just hastily dump everything in the bag, seal it, and then high tail it out of there.  It’ll mix itself up in your mad dash to avoid being apprehended.

• 10 ripe The Neverending Story
• 1 MirrorMask, chopped
• 4 cloves Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events,diced

Ever have a craving for pasta but find the pantry stocked with noodles but no sauce?  This recipe will stock you up for a little while and is certainly worth the wait.  Place The Neverending Story in boiling water until the skin starts to peel, then place in an ice bath.  Remove the skins and seeds then puree in a blender.  Put in a medium saucepan over low heat and put in the MirrorMask and A Series of Unfortunate Events and simmer for 2 hours.  This also doubles as goblin repellent if you have a problem and want to kill two birds with one stone … which you could then feed to your hobgoblin friend.

• 1 Sydney White fillet
• 1/2 stick Animal House, melted
• 2 tsp Old School powder
• 1/2 tsp freshly ground Sorority Boys

“Yes, I think I’ll have the mahi-mahi, but can I get it with just one mahi?”  If you want a fish dinner, but don’t want anything too substantial, then fixing half of a mahi-mahi with this garlic butter sauce will do the trick.  Take your mahi-mahi, and cut it into two pieces, creating two mahi’s.  Pan fry your fillets for 4 minutes on each side or until it’s just slightly flaky.  While it’s cooking, mix the Animal House, Old School, and Sorority Boys in a small bowl.  Pour over each mahi just before serving.  If you’re making this for a date night, make sure you’ve got something intelligent to discuss.  As a topic, I might suggest nuclear proliferation in North Korea.

You’ve got to keep your guard up. Do you know who’s handling your food? If you suspect that someone has tampered with your food, it might not be paranoia. Once you’ve escaped the effects of the devious dish, you really should consider trying to make sure that criminal chef can’t do the same thing to anyone else. With a little help, you can probably catch the culprit…if you could only clear your head long enough not to be scared, and to recognize the restaurant again. It’ll be worth it in the end to hold your breath, pinch your nose and work through it.  And if you’re going to figure this out, you’ll need to keep the cops fed and happy. Bring some Doughnut Holes…here’s how to roll ‘em.

Ingredients

• 4kg Along Came a Spider
• 1 tbsp High Crimes
• 1/2 tsp Double Jeopardy
• 1g / 2g The Bone Collector

Method

1. Heat oven to 450 degrees F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper or coat with nonstick spray, set aside.
2. Break Along Came a Spider into bite sized balls. Dip them in the melted High Crimes. Roll the entire thing so it’s well coated. Place on baking sheet (they don’t spread much so they can be close together).
3. Bake for 6 to 7 minutes or until just beginning to become slightly brown. Remove from oven and cool.
4. In a small bowl, mix together the High Crimes, Double Jeopardy, and Bone Collector, blending until smooth.
5. Dip each cooled ball into the mixture of  High Crimes, Double Jeopardy, and Bone Collector. Leave some on the side for people who like to dip.
6. Put in a box lined with wax paper, and serve to your favorite detective.

• 4 1/2 cups Turistas
• 8 fresh The Beach
• 1 cup Apocalypto
• 2 cups The Mist

Crave a margarita, but you don’t trust the ice down Mexico way?  Try making your own.  And while you’re at it, make a pitcher for your friends, old and new.  Begin by boiling Turistas in a pot for at least 15 minutes to eliminate any bacteria or other things that may be in the water.  Allow to cool in the open air for a few minutes and then squeeze in the juice of The Beach and stir in Apocalypto.  Pour into an ice cube tray and freeze.  Break the cubes into a blender and pour in The Mist.  Pulse until all the cubes are broken up, pour into glasses and enjoy.  We are not responsible for any decisions made to visit ancient Mayan ruins made while enjoying this refreshing beverage.

• 1 loaf War of the Worlds (2005)
• Chunk of The Day After Tomorrow
• Breast of Independence Day
• A head of I, Robot
• Jar of ET: The Extraterrestrial
• An Inconvenient Truth seasoning salt

A new spin on an old classic: the sandwich. If the 1951 version was grilled cheese, this is a deeper, more layered approach to this staple of the culinary world.

Take two big slices of a loaf of fresh War of the Worlds and slather on some ET to taste. I prefer thin slices of Independence Day but feel free to use as much as you want. Peel off a few sections of I, Robot; you’ll find it comes apart surprisingly easily! Cut or grate a bit of Day After Tomorrow over the entire thing and sprinkle on just a tad of Inconvenient Truth. Enjoy!