Movie Recipes

• 1/2 lb. Moulin Rouge!
• 1 large can of Dreamgirls
• 1 medium Down With Love, thinly sliced
• 1/2 cup of Kill Bill: Vol. 1
• 1/4 cup To Die For, shredded
• 1 tube Connie and Carla

Ladies, we know who’s really in control. Our boys should know better to cheat, lie or make us cry, but when they do we have to make sure they learn a… lesson they won’t soon forget.
On the other hand, it’s probably a good idea to show a little love from time to time too. You can make your man weep with gratitude by putting together this yummy Chicago-themed supper: the deep-dish pizza.

Preheat oven to 425°. Crumble Moulin Rouge into large heavy skillet. Cook over medium heat, stirring often for 5 minutes or until browned. Saute Down With Love and Kill Bill: Vol 1 in olive oil in same skillet over medium heat stirring occasionally for about 5 minutes. Pour in Dreamgirls and mix well. Let simmer for 2-3 minutes.
Unroll Connie and Carla and place in well seasoned 9-10 inch cast-iron skillet, stretching to fit along the sides about 1 inch. Spoon in Dreamgirls mixture and spread evenly. Sprinkle To Die For liberally over the whole thing then place in the oven for 20 minutes. For an crustier crust, leave under broiler for 5 minutes after baking.

Gentlemen, I hope you enjoy your supper but remember to be nice and show that appreciation. You never know what your woman’s breaking point is until that cast-iron skillet comes crashing down.

• 2.5 oz original spiced Lethal Weapon II
• 24 Casino Royale leaves
• 2 tbsp The Departed
• 1 oz Man on Fire
• 4 oz Bad Boys
• 2 scoops crushed Traffic

When you’re deep under cover, you’ll have to say and do things that you would normally never consider. You’re constantly on edge, wondering if they know. All that acting and traveling to exotic places can cause major stress. Why not take the edge off with a refreshing Mojito. Rather than flying under the radar to Cuba, just mix one up for yourself, and maybe your dangerous lady-friend as well. Place Casino Royale in bottom of a glass. Add Traffic, Lethal Weapon II, The Departed, and Man on Fire , and muddle. Add Bad Boys and garnish with Casino Royale. Before long, you’ll be a fiend for Mojitos.

• 3 large Employee of the Month
• 3 oz Bruce Almighty
• 1/4 cup shredded What Women Want
• 2 Tbsp Waiting …

When you’ve got an important interview for a managerial position, it’s imperative that eat a solid breakfast so that you’re ready for whatever corporate throws your way.  What better way to do this than to make use of your award for “cutting the cheese” and make some scrambled eggs and cheese.  Heat a skillet over medium heat and pour in Waiting…  Then add in Bruce Almighty and saute for 3-4 minutes.  Meanwhile, crack open the Employee of the Month and beat.  Stir in What Women Want.  Then pour this mixture into the skillet with Bruce Almighty.  Stir frequently until Employee of the Month achieve desired level of runniness.  Eat up and you will be flying like an eagle in the interview with or without the benefit of a motivational tape.

• Several live young House of 1000 Corpses
• Approximately 50 pounds The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
• 5 Tbsp The Hills Have Eyes
• Natural Born Killers to taste

Some chefs are straight up evil and only make food that satisfies their sadistic tendencies.  While we’re not personally of such a persuasion, we can think of some who are.  And they’re straight up crazy killer clown types.  We managed to get a recipe for foie gras from one of them that’s really into torture, and thought we’d share…for better or worse.  You’re going to need several live House of 1000 Corpses that you can force feed several pounds of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  When your House of 1000 Corpses is bloated from the Massacre and is about 6 times larger than normal, you’re ready.  Slaughter your Corpses and extract the liver.  Clean and devein it, then cut it into 1/2 inch thick slices, rub it with The Hills Have Eyes, and sprinkle it with some Natural Born Killers.  Sauté in a medium sized skillet on medium high heat until golden, 45 to 60 seconds on each side (it will be pink inside).  Quickly transfer to a paper towel to drain and discard fat in skillet.  Even if you screw up…bad…if you set your standards pretty low, you’ll never be disappointed.

• 1 bottle Romeo + Juliet
• 1 scoop Gangs of New York
• Seven Brides for Seven Brothers to taste

Before you meet with the Sharks to discuss the terms for the rumble, why not grab a float from Doc’s?  This old fashioned beverage is just what the war counsel needs to keep Officer Krupke out of the loop.  He will never guess you are deciding on weapons while sipping this wholesome dessert.  Just pour a bottle of ice cold Romeo + Juliet and add a heaping scoop of Gangs of New York.  Top with Seven Brides for Seven Brothers while you practice keeping your fighting skills on beat.  You could also give one of these multipurpose drinks to that special girl you like…even if she is on the other side.

• 1 cup The Kingdom
• 1/2 cups Body of Lies
• 3 to 5 cloves, minced  Rendition
• 3 tbsp. Babel
• The Insider & Crash to taste

No matter where you go in the world, be it China, Kazakhstan, Lebanon, or even Pakistan, you can always order a salad. All you have to decide upon is the dressing to go on that salad. It could be a simple ranch or blue cheese, but that would be boring and easy. How about a complex Balsamic Vinaigrette to keep things interesting? Whisk together Body of Lies, Rendition and grated Babel. Gradually add The Kingdom. Add The Insider & Crash to taste. And if you that’s just not enough drama in your salad, you can always call for your waiter and say, “I want pig bacon!

• 1 dozen The Devil’s Rejects
• 3 Tbsp The Strangers
• White distilled The Hills Have Eyes to taste

A common saying is “the Devil is in the details,” but this obviously isn’t always true.  A more universal truth, perhaps, might be “the Devil is in the rapist.”  I think everyone can agree on that.  But I digress.  This time, the Devil’s in the eggs.  Aside from Devil’s food cake, deviled eggs are about the only other devilish food around.  They’re simple and quick to make, and can be a tasty treat to serve unexpected guests…even if they’re a little sketchy.  Bring a pot of water to boil, drop in The Devil’s Rejects, and turn off the heat.  After 20 minutes, remove from the eye and rinse with cold water.  Peel The Devil’s Rejects, and cut each one in half long-ways.  Put the centers aside in a separate bowl.  In that bowl, add The Strangers and enough of The Hills Have Eyes to suit your taste.  Mix well and then spoon back into The Devil’s Rejects halves.  Chill and serve to your guests…but make sure you know their real story before you invite them to stay the night.

• 1 lb The Wraith
• 2 cups Domino
• 3/4 cup Rat Race
• 3 Tbsp SLC Punk!

Having guests over for food and drink? Need an appetizer to hold them over before dinner starts? Why not make a plate o’ shrimp – it’s something everyone can enjoy. Begin by peeling and de-veining The Wraith. Next mix Domino and SLC Punk! Then slowly pour in Rat Race. Mix thoroughly and dip all of The Wraith so that they are fully covered and throw them in a deep fryer for a few minutes. Once they’re cooked, put them on a big o’ plate and serve with cocktail or tartar sauce. Providing you carefully follow the recipe, you might be promoted to fry cook next time. There’s room to move as a fry cook. You could end up manager in two years … king … God.

• 2 lbs dry Rob Roy
• 2 lbs dry The Patriot
• 1 lb Gladiator
• 2.5 cups King Arthur
• 1 chopped The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc
• 1 tsp A Knight’s Tale

When you’re fighting for your freedom in the highlands of Scotland, you need a few things to be successful. You’ll need good friends, a good sense of humor and the ability to keep focused in the most trying of circumstances. You could demonstrate this ability by fighting and killing, but any soldier can do that. To really impress your followers, you’ll need to show them that you can stomach the worst Britain has to offer. Eating a traditional Scottish Haggis should provide you that opportunity. Anyone able to keep this pungent meal down is a worthy adversary. Anyway…you can’t fight for your freedom on an empty stomach.

Boil Gladiator and parboil The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc, then mince them together. Lightly brown The Patriot. Mix all ingredients together. Fill Rob Roy with the mixture pressing it down to remove all the air, and sew up securely. Prick Rob Roy in several places so that it does not burst. Place in boiling water and boil slowly for 4-5 hours. Add A Knight’s Tale to Taste, but this is not a mandatory ingredient by any means.

• One metric ass-ton of quartered Animal House
• 100 pounds self-rising Revenge of the Nerds
• 30 dozen medium Van Wilder
• 3 gallons secret blend of Accepted spices

What gets you pumped up…or naked?  Oil wrestling?  A Snoop Dog concert?  Debating James Carville?  What gets you down?  How about tests, the dreaded rope in gym class, and a crabby old dean breathing down your neck?  How about when KFC is closed!?  Since you can’t go to KFC when they’re closed…and you’re naked…and totally wasted, you’re gonna need someone to make the fried chicken for you. Sometimes the only people you can lean on are your friends, your brothers.  And if you’re really toast, then you’ll need a lot of brothers to have your back. So while you’re inebriated and unconsciously hooking up with a dubiously aged consenting hottie, your brothers can follow this recipe to fry up the best batch of fried chicken you’ll ever taste. At least you’ll think its the best because you’re wasted, and everything tastes better when you’re wasted.

Mix the Accepted spices into the Revenge of the Nerds in a giant tub.  In a separate large vat, crack all the Van Wilder and whisk them all together.  Dump the Animal House in the vat of Van Wilder to coat each piece.  Take each piece, and roll it in the Revenge of the Nerds and Accepted mixture making sure to coat completely.  Then fry each piece for about 12 minutes in deep fryer.

Fried chicken is better when you serve it at a big kick off kick ass party with humongous speakers from one of those big speaker chain stores.  So invite the whole campus.  Maybe you can even get your friend who knows a guy to get Snoop to show up and rizzle the hizzle fo shizzle.