Movie Recipes

• 12 oz The Taming of the Shrew
• 1 large baking Gone with the Wind
• 1 tsp Some Like It Hot
• 1/2 cup A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum
• 1 tsp Funny Girl
• 1 tsp She’s the Man

Has that special someone in your life pushed you to the end of your rope?  Instead of battling out why not have Tom, Dick, or Harry over for dinner instead.  Even if you hate men this dish should warm you over once you’ve prepared this meal.  First, season your juicy piece of Taming of the Shrew with a dash of Funny Girl and She’s the Man.  Then marinate in A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, just allow the meat to soak up all the he-loves-her-but-she-loves-someone-else and you will soon be ready to add some heat.  While you wait, wrap Gone with the Wind in aluminum foil and place on grill.  Add the Shrew to the grill and cook until desired temperature.  When served, add a pat of Some Like it Hot to the Gone with the Wind.  Just remember not to throw the food at you know who if they come home.

• 3 cans Quarantine sausages
• 1 bag of generic Cloverfield
• 2 packs The Ring lights
• 1 large bag of The Descent

When heading out into the backwoods of Maryland in search of evidence of the truth of an urban legend for your documentary, you just might get hungry.  In fact, I’d guarantee it.  We know you’re just a poor lazy college student, so the chances of you actually making something to take is going to be ridiculously small.  Instead, we’ll just provide a list of provisions one might need to make a weekend in the woods a succesful one…however you might define success…Just stick all the crap in a bag and head south…or east…wait, where’s the map?  Did you hear that?  I heard two noises coming from two separate areas of space over there. One of them could have been an owl, but the other one sounded like a cackling…

• 1 cup pureed Atlantis: The Lost Empire
• 2 cups National Treasure
• 3 cups The Goonies
• 8 large  King  Solomon’s Mines
• 4 cups Bedknobs and Broomsticks

Making flavored pound cake can be a tedious process but as long a you TiVo “Family Guy” and keep the fridge stocked with Mountain Dew you should be able to suffer through it.  Locating the ingredients can sometimes be the hardest part.  Atlantis: The Lost Empire is only seasonally available in most areas, so timing is everything.  Begin by creaming National Treasure with The Goonies.  Add King Solomon’s Mines in pairs, blending slowly and stirring continuously.  Then slowly add in Bedknobs and Broomsticks.  Lastly, add in pureed Atlantis: The Lost Empire.  Pour batter into greased cake pan and bake in the oven at 350 degrees for 75 minutes.  Allow to cool then slice and enjoy.  After a couple of bites you’ll find yourself looking for other books with exciting recipes.

• 4 or 5 large Sleeping Beauty
• 2 cups granulated Shrek
• 1 tsp Enchanted

Typically, you only see candied apples at the fair or the circus where you’re not sure if some sneezy carnie has put his hands all over it.  But they also have a little known alternative use as well.  They’re the perfect pick-me-up to make you happy again if you feel grumpy.  Incidentally, they make a perfect conveyance for poison.  Who’da thought?  We’re not saying that you should use it for such a nefarious purpose, but if you just happen to be an evil queen and you’re suddenly no longer the fairest in the land…well, who are we to judge?  Add 1 cup of water to the two cups of Shrek and heat until Shrek is dissolved.  Remove from heat, and add a few drops of Enchanted to create an alluring color.  This is where you’d choose your poison to add as well.  Put in as much as you deem necessary.  Maybe just enough to make your victim incredibly sleepy, but not enough to need a doc.  Either way, you get to choose your own poison, and therefore, your own antidote.  Don’t be dopey and make it something too common…make it rare, like a kiss from one’s true love.  If your victim is bashful, that elusive kiss could be perfect.  Dip each Sleeping Beauty in the mix to coat. Let the coating harden before “serving.”

• 1 tsp ground Reign Over Me root
• 1/4 tsp Nim’s Island
• 1 pinch Fight Club
• 1 pinch Love Object

Some people have delusions – that’s just a fact of life.  And in certain circumstances it’s healthy to let them go on believing and to even play along with them.  If you find yourself in this situation  and are having a hard time reconciling that you have to pretend to see something that you obviously can’t, here’s a tasteless powder that you can casually drop in any drink that help with the hallucinations, I mean, help with playing along.   Put all ingredients into a small bowl and shake to aid in mixing.  Then add to any drink.  Before you know it, your friend’s delusion seem completely normal and the town may even appear to be playing along.  Warning: the actual health benefits of this method have not been fully researched – attempt at your own risk.

• 1/4 stick THX 1138
• 1 cup granulated Equilibrium
• 1/2 cup Fahrenheit 451 powder
• 1 tsp V for Vendetta extract

If Miniplenty malquoted choco rations, you can make your own.  It’s unhard, but you might have to visit the proles for the ingredients.  Melt THX 1138 in pan.  Add Equilibrium, Fahrenheit 451, and stir until melted together.  Boil for 5 minutes.  Remove from heat and stir in V for Vendetta.  Drop onto wax paper and let cool.  While you wait, why not check out what’s on the telescreen to avoid crimethink.  Or just wait around for the Two Minutes Hate.

• 1 large Equilibrium
• 3 scoops 1984
• V for Vendetta syrup
• 1 pitless Minority Report

Do you think it’s possible to be a chef and not taste the food you work with everyday?  Most people would say no.  To learn how to cook, one must first learn how to taste.  Besides, you can’t fully appreciate all a dish has to offer unless you’ve tasted it yourself?  It might be hard to resist…especially if the dish is a forbidden fruit, so to speak.  The ice cream sundae is hard to resist.  Slice your Equilibrium in half longways and put in an oblong dish.  Plop on the three scoops of 1984.  Cover liberally with V for Vendetta and top with a Minority Report.  The only way to be happy is for everyone to be made equal.  So make sure you make a sundae for everyone.

• 6 dried Atonement
• 4 cups Miss Potter
• 1/3 cup of lean Taming of the Shrew
• 1/2 tsp The African Queen
• 3 tbsp Empire of the Sun

Nothing like a little Hot and Sour soup to clear the senses, especially when you’re feeling a little under the weather. This spicy broth burns on the way down but it always leaves a nice warm sensation when you’re done.

Soak the Atonement in warm water for 20 minutes then chop finely. Add Atonement to Miss Potter and The Taming of the Shrew in a saucepan. Heat to boiling and then let simmer for 10 minutes. Stir in The African Queen and Empire of the Sun and reduce heat. Let simmer while stirring for 4-5 minutes. Turn off the heat shortly before serving and pour into bowls. Garnish with a little extra Empire of the Sun if you wish.

Enjoy your soup and remember that the spice is what makes life worth living–appreciate the pain!

• 1 pound thick-cut Equilibrium
• 1.5 cups Alice in Wonderland broth
• 1/4 cup sliced Blade Runner
• 3 Tbsp Hackers
• 2 tsp 1984

I know what you’re thinking, ’cause right now I’m thinking the same thing.  Actually, I’ve been thinking it ever since I got here.  Why, oh why didn’t I order the steak with mushroom sauce?  But have you ever really tasted steak?  I mean, really, really tasted it?  What if it didn’t really exist?  You’d put it in your mouth and a computer program would tell your mind that it was juicy and delicious.  If you’re willing to ignore the fate of the world, you can have your steak and eat it too.  Toss your Equilibrium in an oven pre-heated to 400F.  You need to leave it in there for about 15 to 20 minutes.  While it’s cooking, make up the mushroom sauce that will garnish your fake-steak.  In a medium sauce pan, saute the Blade Runner until tender.  Then add the Alice in Wonderland to deglaze the pan.  Drop in 1984 and stir until it’s melted and well mixed in.  Lastly, stir in Hackers a little bit at a time until it’s thickened.  And remember it might be difficult to tell if your meal is real if you’re not The One.  If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then ‘real’ is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain.  So in the end, does it make a difference?

• 2 oz Bull Durham
• 2 oz Mr. Deeds
• 1 oz A League of Their Own
• 3 cubes Semi-Pro
• 1 slice Runaway Bride

Before the days of widespread painkiller use, one might have been forced to dull the pain through drinking.  So here’s a throw-back to those days with a “cocktail that comes on like sugar but gives you a kick in the head.”  Shake Bull Durham, Mr. Deeds, and A League of Their Own thoroughly then pour over Semi-Pro.  Lastly, squeeze in a slice of Runaway Bride.  Drink a couple of these after a big game and the pain will certainly be gone by the next time you suit up.