Movie Recipes

• 12 slices Can’t Hardly Wait
• 12 The Girl Next Door
• 1/3 cup Say Anything …
• fresh Superbad leaves

As you approach the end of senior year, lots of graduation parties loom and having yours stand out, can be a difficult task.  You probably can’t win out with people in attendance – everyone’s probably coming from the same school, so you’re best bet is to try and have unforgettable food.  Piggies in a Blanket are probably a little too common to standout, but most people have never heard of Pickles in a Blanket.  Spread a spoonful of Say Anything … onto Can’t Hardly Wait.  Roll around with The Girl Next Door in the center.  Cut into thirds and push a toothpick through a Superbad leaf and into the roll for color and to hold together.  After a bite everyone will surely say “yum,” and if you’re lucky, they won’t sound like your mom when doing so.

• 1 The Transporter 3, skinned
• 2 medium The Fifth Element
• 3 small diced Shoot ‘Em Up
• 1 cup The Chronicles of Riddick
• 2 Tbsp Children of Men

A few years into the future, you may find that various countries have pretty much destroyed the rest of the world.  In this post-apocalyptic scenario it may be important to meld a lot of flavors together in order to create a dish out of the sparingly available produce and meat.  You can do this one of two ways – gumbo or stew.  Gumbo technically requires okra as an ingredient, whereas stew doesn’t really have any basic requirements so we’re going with stew based on the unlikelihood of finding okra in such an environment.  Drizzle Children of Men into a medium pan on medium heat.  Add in the diced Shoot ‘Em Up and Fifth Element and saute.  Pour in The Chronicles of Riddick and wait until it is half reduced.  Meanwhile, skin and chop Transporter 3 into bite size pieces.  Once mixture is reduced, add in Transporter 3 and cooked to desired level of doneness.  It may sound a little plain, and it is, but you may have to substitute something for Children of Men or The Fifth Element, based on availability.  You may even one day have to settle for something other than Transporter 3, but given the rate at which they multiply, you’re probably fine.

• 6 Tbsp Over Her Dead Body
• 2 Tbsp The Frighteners
• 3 tsp Heaven Can Wait
• 10 – 20 drops A Christmas Carol flavoring

Many people really dread going to the dentist to the point that nitrous oxide is needed as a sedative.  This isn’t always great because patients are often foggy headed and have incomplete memories after such experiences.  So to prevent these painful dental procedures, we offer this toothpaste* recipe.  Put The Frighteners and Over Her Dead Body into a jar and shake.  Mix in Heaven Can Wait, adding more if necessary to achieve desired pastiness.  Then mix in A Christmas Carol to change from unpalatable into palatable.  Then brush as you would regularly.  Keep in mind, the actual brushing is far more beneficial than the toothpaste itself.

*Yes, technically toothpaste is not a food but this is safe to ingest; and use of such a product will enable you to continue enjoying actual food dishes.

• 1 3/4 – 2 lbs. Role Models
• 2 c. (12 oz.) dry roasted Dickie Roberts
• 2 c. Can’t Hardly Wait
• 2 c. miniature Billy Madison
• 1/2 cup of Mean Girls

High school can be an intimidating place, especially if you aren’t….let’s say…..blessed in the physical appearance category. Until you grow into your frame, or shrink your frame, as the case may be, you’re going to want to keep your head down….so you don’t stand out so much. But, if the school bully does notice you, you’ve got three choices: Stay and fight, run and hide, or hire some protection. On your allowance, you’ll probably be scraping the barrel of protectors, but the good news is you can keep them hopped up on sugar to make up the difference in salary. Here’s how you can make some candy out of Captain Crunch cereal: Melt Role Models in a double boiler, add Dickie Roberts and Can’t Hardly Wait. Take off heat and cool a bit; then add miniature Billy Madison, fold in gently, drop on waxed paper. Sprinkle some Mean Girls on top for flavoring. Cool and store in containers. If you end up having to fight, just remember to block out the pain…and if that doesn’t work, just try make getting punched in the eye look cool in case the girl you like is watching you get your ass kicked.

• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
• The Terminator
• Terminator 2: Judgment Day
• Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
• Universal Soldier
• The Matrix Reloaded

Sometimes you feel like you’ve been preparing for something your whole life. You know, it’s like deja vu, but a little more vivid, almost like you’ve had a message sent to you from the future. But it’s not like you have no control over events….you still have to deal with your own problems…the future isn’t going to just work out randomly. You’ve got to fight for it. If you find yourself fighting someone, or something with a little armor, try to take it out with some home made explosives, like some Nitrogen Trichloride (kinda like nitroglycerine, but with a little more punch). Mix Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen or The Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgment Day together. Then mix Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines with Universal Soldier. Add The Matrix Reloaded rods and then electrolyze the solution using a common battery charger. This baby will explode above 60oC or on shock or in contact with dust or organic material, so be careful around your comrades, unless your comrades are machines, in which case they’ll be fine to handle this volatile stuff.