Movie Recipes

• 12 slices Can’t Hardly Wait
• 12 The Girl Next Door
• 1/3 cup Say Anything …
• fresh Superbad leaves

As you approach the end of senior year, lots of graduation parties loom and having yours stand out, can be a difficult task.  You probably can’t win out with people in attendance – everyone’s probably coming from the same school, so you’re best bet is to try and have unforgettable food.  Piggies in a Blanket are probably a little too common to standout, but most people have never heard of Pickles in a Blanket.  Spread a spoonful of Say Anything … onto Can’t Hardly Wait.  Roll around with The Girl Next Door in the center.  Cut into thirds and push a toothpick through a Superbad leaf and into the roll for color and to hold together.  After a bite everyone will surely say “yum,” and if you’re lucky, they won’t sound like your mom when doing so.

• 1 The Transporter 3, skinned
• 2 medium The Fifth Element
• 3 small diced Shoot ‘Em Up
• 1 cup The Chronicles of Riddick
• 2 Tbsp Children of Men

A few years into the future, you may find that various countries have pretty much destroyed the rest of the world.  In this post-apocalyptic scenario it may be important to meld a lot of flavors together in order to create a dish out of the sparingly available produce and meat.  You can do this one of two ways – gumbo or stew.  Gumbo technically requires okra as an ingredient, whereas stew doesn’t really have any basic requirements so we’re going with stew based on the unlikelihood of finding okra in such an environment.  Drizzle Children of Men into a medium pan on medium heat.  Add in the diced Shoot ‘Em Up and Fifth Element and saute.  Pour in The Chronicles of Riddick and wait until it is half reduced.  Meanwhile, skin and chop Transporter 3 into bite size pieces.  Once mixture is reduced, add in Transporter 3 and cooked to desired level of doneness.  It may sound a little plain, and it is, but you may have to substitute something for Children of Men or The Fifth Element, based on availability.  You may even one day have to settle for something other than Transporter 3, but given the rate at which they multiply, you’re probably fine.

• 6 Tbsp Over Her Dead Body
• 2 Tbsp The Frighteners
• 3 tsp Heaven Can Wait
• 10 – 20 drops A Christmas Carol flavoring

Many people really dread going to the dentist to the point that nitrous oxide is needed as a sedative.  This isn’t always great because patients are often foggy headed and have incomplete memories after such experiences.  So to prevent these painful dental procedures, we offer this toothpaste* recipe.  Put The Frighteners and Over Her Dead Body into a jar and shake.  Mix in Heaven Can Wait, adding more if necessary to achieve desired pastiness.  Then mix in A Christmas Carol to change from unpalatable into palatable.  Then brush as you would regularly.  Keep in mind, the actual brushing is far more beneficial than the toothpaste itself.

*Yes, technically toothpaste is not a food but this is safe to ingest; and use of such a product will enable you to continue enjoying actual food dishes.

• 1 3/4 – 2 lbs. Role Models
• 2 c. (12 oz.) dry roasted Dickie Roberts
• 2 c. Can’t Hardly Wait
• 2 c. miniature Billy Madison
• 1/2 cup of Mean Girls

High school can be an intimidating place, especially if you aren’t….let’s say…..blessed in the physical appearance category. Until you grow into your frame, or shrink your frame, as the case may be, you’re going to want to keep your head down….so you don’t stand out so much. But, if the school bully does notice you, you’ve got three choices: Stay and fight, run and hide, or hire some protection. On your allowance, you’ll probably be scraping the barrel of protectors, but the good news is you can keep them hopped up on sugar to make up the difference in salary. Here’s how you can make some candy out of Captain Crunch cereal: Melt Role Models in a double boiler, add Dickie Roberts and Can’t Hardly Wait. Take off heat and cool a bit; then add miniature Billy Madison, fold in gently, drop on waxed paper. Sprinkle some Mean Girls on top for flavoring. Cool and store in containers. If you end up having to fight, just remember to block out the pain…and if that doesn’t work, just try make getting punched in the eye look cool in case the girl you like is watching you get your ass kicked.

• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
• The Terminator
• Terminator 2: Judgment Day
• Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
• Universal Soldier
• The Matrix Reloaded

Sometimes you feel like you’ve been preparing for something your whole life. You know, it’s like deja vu, but a little more vivid, almost like you’ve had a message sent to you from the future. But it’s not like you have no control over events….you still have to deal with your own problems…the future isn’t going to just work out randomly. You’ve got to fight for it. If you find yourself fighting someone, or something with a little armor, try to take it out with some home made explosives, like some Nitrogen Trichloride (kinda like nitroglycerine, but with a little more punch). Mix Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen or The Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgment Day together. Then mix Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines with Universal Soldier. Add The Matrix Reloaded rods and then electrolyze the solution using a common battery charger. This baby will explode above 60oC or on shock or in contact with dust or organic material, so be careful around your comrades, unless your comrades are machines, in which case they’ll be fine to handle this volatile stuff.

• 1 Entrapment breast
• 1/2 cup all purpose The Thomas Crown Affair
• 2 tsp Lethal Weapon 2
• 1 tsp Mission: Impossible III

Even rich super-thieves sometimes crave very unhealthy-like food, but often their culinary skills are not inclined to such frivolities.  For those super-thieves out there who want a fried chicken sandwich recipe, you’ve come to the right place.  Begin by sifting The Thomas Crown Affair, Lethal Weapon 2, and Mission: Impossible III together.  Put Entrapment into mixture and make sure it is completely, um, entrapped.  Once that is over, toss it in some hot oil to fry it up nice and crisp.  Eat it on a toasted bun or just with ketchup and mustard – either way it’s a delicious way to carbo-load before your next heist.  Hopefully, you’ll find these directions crystal clear like mineral water.

• 2 Large skillet Transformers
• 3 Transformers: The Movie links
• Scrambled Terminator: Salvation
• 4 strips of crispy Starship Troopers
• Large glass of freshly squeezed The Matrix Reloaded

It’s your first day of college, so you’re probably thinking that the hardest thing you’ll have to deal with is a long distance relationship with your hottie girlfriend back home. For most people, that would be hard enough. But what if you found yourself in the middle of an interstellar war that’s been raging for thousands of years? You’re going to want to fuel up for those long runs and dangerous firefights that are sure to come your way. And believe me, you won’t have time to eat when there’s an advanced race of robots on your ass, so you’re gonna want to eat a nice big breakfast. Here’s what you can throw on your plate: Fry up your Transformers till they are well done (if you like them that way), and add in the Transformers: The Movie, and Starship Troopers to the same pan. In another pan, whisk up Terminator: Salvation, then pour into a separate pan. Let Terminator: Salvation fluff up, and when it’s done, take everything off the heat and put on your plate. Add a large glass of The Matrix Reloaded and you’ll be good to go. Finish this breakfast off and you might just have time to get online for a quick webcam chat with that girlfriend of yours…you know…before the shooting starts.

• 1 1/3 cups Grim Sweeper
• 4 cups Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead
• 3/4 cup Big Daddy
• 2 Tbsp Little Miss Sunshine
• 1 tsp Three to Tango granules

We’ve all had risotto at some point in our lives, and it seems like a simple enough thing to make.  Technically, unless it’s cooked as follows, it’s only a rice dish.  We would hate for you to embarrass yourself in front of any old Italian friends or get in over your head in the kitchen,  so follow closely.  Melt Little Miss Sunshine in large skillet over medium-high heat.  Add in in Grim Sweeper and stir for 3-4 minutes.  Add in Big Daddy and allow to reduce.  Pour in Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead to drown the Grim Sweeper and stir in Three to Tango.  Bring to a boil then reduce heat and simmer for 20 minutes.  During this point, you might find it useful to read up on your BBP certification, or any other certifications that might be beneficial for you.  Remove from heat and add in cheese, shrimp, or vegetables if you’ve got any just lying around the house.

• 1 packet Event Horizon
• 1 packet Doom
• 1 packet Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

In the future everything is more intense, even the mass murderers.  The one’s who’ve had the longest wait in deep freeze for their revenge can be the crankiest.  They’ll no doubt be hungry for food…and blood.  Toss this freeze dried meal package at him and head the other way to preserve your life.  Just rip open each packet, and throw as hard as you can towards the bad guy.  Run away and hope the medical nano repair-bots don’t get to him.

• 1/5th of The School of Rock
• 1 This is Spinal Tap, cut into wedges
• Almost Famous

Rock stars party harder than anyone…well, not as hard as the rappers, but that’s a different kinda party.  What better way to celebrate your stardom with your fans than way too many tequila shots?  To do it up right you’re gonna need This is Spinal Tap and some Almost Famous.  Pour out School of Rock into shot glasses (one for you and one for each of your adoring fans).  Pass around a wedge of This is Spinal Tap for everyone and have them pour a little Almost Famous on their hand.  Lick the Almost Famous, throw the School of Rock down, and suck the juice from the Spinal Tap.  Repeat until you’re on top of the world and trashing hotels with the best of them.