Movie Recipes

• 2 The Brave One, over easy
• 2 A Beautiful Mind links
• 2 Silence of the Lambs strips
• 2 pieces Little Children
• 1 cup American Psycho

Government work often requires more work than planned for especially considering the pay.  In order to have the energy to make it through what is usually an exhausting day of work, it’s best to start off with a solid breakfast, like you can get at any diner.  Timing is everything with this so follow closely.  Begin by putting A Beautiful Mind links and Silence of the Lamb strips on the skillet at medium heat.  Let cook for about 3 minutes on a side and then flip.  After flipping put The Brave One on the skillet as well and toss Little Children in the toaster.  In about a minute, use a spatula to flip The Brave One and almost slam them on the skillet.  When the Little Children pop out of the toaster everything should be about done so put it on a plate and pour yourself a cup of American Psycho.  Then sit back and read the paper being certain to circle anything that might relate to your job and search for hidden patterns.

• 50 gallons Carrie
• 4 pounds Friday the 13th flavoring
• 3 pounds granulated Wet Hot American Summer

Summer camp is one of those places that gives people the opportunity to discover themselves and to discover the true nature of their friends.  Hanging out at the camp social, swimming (or not) by the lake, or eating at the dining hall, you’re sure to find someone you like.  On the flipside, you’re also going to inevitably meet your worst enemy.  Maybe you can come to terms over a nice tall glass of bug juice.  It’s the camp beverage of choice, and it’s best mixed up in a large trash can.  Fill trash can with Carrie, add Friday the 13th and Wet Hot American Summer.  Stir until well mixed.  Get you a nice cup full, and maybe take one to that shy new girl too…but be sure she’s not more than she’s cracked up to be or you might regret it later.

• 2 medium Serpico
• 2 oz National Security
• 2 Tbsp The Departed
• a few splashes Lakeview Terrace
• 1 stalk Training Day

If you need a pick-me-up in the morning and prefer something other than pouring malt liquor in your cereal or downing airplane bottles of vodka on your way to work, make your own Bloody Mary and get some of your daily vegetables out of the way too.  Puree Serpico in a food processor.  Pour in National Security and The Departed then add Lakeview Terrace to taste.  To add a little green to the mix, stir with Training Day.  But be warned … you know that thing they say about smelling vodka?  It’s bull.

• 2 thin cut pieces of Roxanne
• 1/2 pound Anything Else
• 2 slices How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
• half a jar of My Best Friend’s Girl sauce

The job of a relationship coach is never easy.  Especially when you’ve got a, shall we say, difficult client with no game.  For those tough cases, you just might have to go above and beyond the typical call of duty.  Helping them learn to go in for that first kiss, teaching them to dance, who knows what could be in store.  If your client doesn’t have the culinary skills to impress the ladies, you’ll be needing a recipe to help him along.  Make up this tasty chicken Parmesan dish to give him that extra push to get the woman of his dreams.  Preheat your oven to 350F.  Bake Roxanne for 17 minutes.  While it’s baking, boil Anything Else until al dente (about 12 minutes).  When the Anything Else is done, drain and remove Roxanne from the oven, place a piece of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days on top of each Roxanne and place back in the oven for 2 minutes.  Plate Anything Else and pour My Best Friend’s Girl over top.  Remove Roxanne, and place on top of the plate.  Discreetly give to your client to serve to his date.  Just be prepared for the possibility that your wiles might not work on everyone, and you’ll have to find new tactics.

• 1/2 cup October Sky powder
• 1/4 cup Howl’s Moving Castle
• 1/2 granulated Secondhand Lions
• 1 tsp Fly Away Home extract

When taking a journey to a foreign place, you might just run into some unexpected denizens.  Some might be skittish and you’ll have to provide some incentive to coax them to befriend you.  Nothing is better at persuading than a nice big chocolate bar.  Having some natives on your side could come in handy too, so make some chocolate bars to take with you by following this simple recipe.  Melt Howl’s Moving Castle and Secondhand Lions together in a medium sauce pan.  When it’s fully melted, add the October Sky and stir until completely mixed.  Remove from heat and stir in Fly Away Home.  Pour into candy bar mold and refrigerate until hardened.  Make sure you break off small pieces to feed your new friend so you have enough to let them get acquainted with you.  You never know when you might need their assisstance.

• 1 3/4 cup calasparra Amelie
• 2 cups Frida stock
• 12 Sweet Home Alabama
• pinch of Y tu mama tambien

When visiting Spain, whether it be for architectural, business, or personal reasons, one is likely to enjoy at least a few tapas – the Spanish version of appetizers.  If you’re trying to make a tapa steeped in as much tradition as the Gaudi architecture or the Miro paintings in Barcelona try Arroz con Costra (rice with crust – although something is lost in the translation.)  Begin by pouring Amelie into a casserole dish.  Pour Frida on top of that and mix in Y tu mama tambien.  Bake in the oven at 300 degrees  uncovered until the Amelie is almost dry.  Then lightly beat Sweet Home Alabama and pour on top and bake another 8-10 minutes.

• 3 cups Boyz n the Hood
• 9 tbsp American History X
• 3.5 cups Stand and Deliver

When you move to a new neighborhood, it’s a lottery on what type of neighbor you get. There’s the people you hit it off with from the first time you meet them, but other times, you get a neighbor who you can’t stand the sight of, and who probably can’t stand the sight of you either. They glare across at you, wide-eyed and unapologetic. It’s like they hate you for just being you. But you can’t live like that forever…you’re going to have to meet and get to know them sooner or later. You may even need their help around the house, or dealing with the neighboorhood teens who won’t get off your lawn. Break the ice by cooking a traditional Korean rice dish. It forms the basis for any good meal and maybe even a relationship. Wash the American History X and put in a pot with Stand and Deliver and cook to soften. Wash Boyz n the Hood in cold Stand and Deliver. Put in a mixture in your pan cooker. Put American History X on top.  Take the dish across and leave it on your neighbor’s porch at dinner time. Eventually, you’ll be able to take it inside to him. I mean, it shouldn’t stay outside for too long — you never know which undesirables might drive by.

• 1/2 cup Invincible juice
• 9 tbs. Remember the Titans
• 3/8 tsp We Are Marshall
• 2 liters Radio

To be successful in the game of football, you’ve got to have a few things going for you. If you want to get a place on the team, you can’t just show up and get a jersey, unless maybe you’re a legacy player. Having a lot of speed, size, and skill are important, but are nothing without a good work ethic. That drive becomes even more important if you’re a little runt without speed, size or skill. While you’re working on your conditioning, you’ll want to keep hydrated. But if you don’t have enough money for an apartment to sleep in, you probably don’t have enough for some real gatorade. Here’s how you can mix up a batch of your own. Using boiling or hot Radio can make things go faster, but you’ll need to chill it down somehow before refrigerating it. So just mix everything together and see if it tastes like Gatorade. If you can’t seem to get the taste just right, try again the next day. And the next day. And the next, until you’ve reached your goal. I bet if you work hard enough, the crowd would chant your name, and players would carry you on their shoulders to reward you for your efforts.

• 1/4 cup The Matrix beans
• 1 1/2 cups Memento
• 3 Tbsp The Island
• granulated The Truman Show to taste

Some foods just grow on you.  Like coffee.  You might not have always liked it…or at least you think you know there was a time before you liked it, but now, it’s almost impossible to imagine life without it.  Did you ever stop to wonder if your memory of coffee is real?  What if someone changed your mind about coffee for you?  Then you started on the fancy coffee drinks…  Well, no matter, you might eventually figure it out.  But while you’re contemplating life’s tough questions like, “why is it so dark all the time?” you may as well enjoy a nice coffee beverage.  Grind The Matrix into a semi-fine powder.  Boil Memento and then steep The Matrix in it for several minutes or until desired darkness (if there is such a thing) is reached.  Stir in The Island and add The Truman Show to taste.  If nothing else, it’ll help keep you awake to discover the answers to those burning questions.

• 2 large Lost Highway
• 1/4 cup shredded Crash (1996)
• 1/2 cup diced The Hitcher

Ever been stuck behind a bad accident on the interstate?  It can take forever to get by, what with all the rubbernecking.  Why not pull off at the nearest exit and grab somethin’ from the diner just off the road. Every 24-hour joint is pretty much the same, and you can’t be too picky about which one. They’re all full of the same unusual clientele, but it’ll give you a chance to wait for some of the traffic to clear.  I’d recommend pretty much anything from one of these places.  Home cooked meals always hit the spot, and you can put a quarter in the juke box while you wait. If you can’t decide, the ham and cheese omlette is a safe bet.  Crack and beat the Lost Highway in a small bowl.  Pour into a medium-hot skillet and let sit for a couple minutes.  Drop Crash and The Hitcher on half.  When the Crash begins to melt, carefully fold the Lost Highway in half.  Flip once and let sit for another minute or two.  Eat quickly though, and don’t stare at the other customers, even if you think they’re staring at you. You’re probably just being paranoid. Just eat and get back on the road.  If you dilly-dally too long you might end up with an unexpected hitchhicker.