High school can be an intimidating place, especially if you aren’t….let’s say…..blessed in the physical appearance category. Until you grow into your frame, or shrink your frame, as the case may be, you’re going to want to keep your head down….so you don’t stand out so much. But, if the school bully does notice you, you’ve got three choices: Stay and fight, run and hide, or hire some protection. On your allowance, you’ll probably be scraping the barrel of protectors, but the good news is you can keep them hopped up on sugar to make up the difference in salary. Here’s how you can make some candy out of Captain Crunch cereal: Melt Role Models in a double boiler, add Dickie Roberts and Can’t Hardly Wait. Take off heat and cool a bit; then add miniature Billy Madison, fold in gently, drop on waxed paper. Sprinkle some Mean Girls on top for flavoring. Cool and store in containers. If you end up having to fight, just remember to block out the pain…and if that doesn’t work, just try make getting punched in the eye look cool in case the girl you like is watching you get your ass kicked.

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Sometimes you feel like you’ve been preparing for something your whole life. You know, it’s like deja vu, but a little more vivid, almost like you’ve had a message sent to you from the future. But it’s not like you have no control over events….you still have to deal with your own problems…the future isn’t going to just work out randomly. You’ve got to fight for it. If you find yourself fighting someone, or something with a little armor, try to take it out with some home made explosives, like some Nitrogen Trichloride (kinda like nitroglycerine, but with a little more punch). Mix Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen or The Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgment Day together. Then mix Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines with Universal Soldier. Add The Matrix Reloaded rods and then electrolyze the solution using a common battery charger. This baby will explode above 60oC or on shock or in contact with dust or organic material, so be careful around your comrades, unless your comrades are machines, in which case they’ll be fine to handle this volatile stuff.

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It’s your first day of college, so you’re probably thinking that the hardest thing you’ll have to deal with is a long distance relationship with your hottie girlfriend back home. For most people, that would be hard enough. But what if you found yourself in the middle of an interstellar war that’s been raging for thousands of years? You’re going to want to fuel up for those long runs and dangerous firefights that are sure to come your way. And believe me, you won’t have time to eat when there’s an advanced race of robots on your ass, so you’re gonna want to eat a nice big breakfast. Here’s what you can throw on your plate: Fry up your Transformers till they are well done (if you like them that way), and add in the Transformers: The Movie, and Starship Troopers to the same pan. In another pan, whisk up Terminator: Salvation, then pour into a separate pan. Let Terminator: Salvation fluff up, and when it’s done, take everything off the heat and put on your plate. Add a large glass of The Matrix Reloaded and you’ll be good to go. Finish this breakfast off and you might just have time to get online for a quick webcam chat with that girlfriend of yours…you know…before the shooting starts.

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If you’re making your way across the country, and find yourself in a small town with nothing to do, your mind starts to wander. Where it wanders, who knows? Maybe you think about the past. Maybe you think about the future. Maybe you think about a new future that is based on a past that hasn’t happened yet. Maybe you need to get out of the heat…you’re starting to hallucinate. Get yourself into one of those roadside diners and ask for blue plate special. You won’t know what’s on it, but that’s okay. If you don’t like it, you can always come back and try again in a past life. The first time around, you’ll probably get Donnie Darko, The Mothman Prophecies, and The Jacket lumped onto the same plate. Make sure you enjoy the wierd combinations of foods on your plate. It might be the last meal you ever have.

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Have you just gotten your credit card statements in the mail?  Looking for a way to cut back?  Try making this Cosmo at home to save a little of that green.  Mix together all of the ingredients and shake with ice.  (Just make sure that when you are in the freezer you leave that credit card you have hidden in the block of ice alone.)  Strain and serve with garnish.  You will be relaxing with this drink so fast you won’t have time to think about going shopping.

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You know the feeling. You went on a date, enjoyed yourself, and you thought they did too. There were a lot of good signs, or so you thought. While you’re sitting there, staring at your phone, waiting for them to call, you can mull over the night’s events. Did they say “I’ll call you” or “I look forward to hearing from you?” Did they say ‘It was nice to meet you’ at the beginning of the date, or at the end? It’s pretty important to read those signs correctly, or you may find yourself becoming a voicemail stalker. Anyway, while you wait, why not grab some comfort food; a big bowl of ice cream (ribs are too messy when if you have to answer the phone). Here’s how to make your own. Beat Love Actually in a large bowl. Mix Definitely Maybe, The Break Up, Sex and the City and Reality Bites until The Break Up dissolves. Combine with beaten Love Actually. Freeze until ready. Just don’t be disappointed if the phone doesn’t ring. It probably wasn’t meant to be. The right person for you is probably waiting at the next grocery checkout, bar stool, cafe table, or MySpace page…or maybe not.

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When you move to a new neighborhood, it’s a lottery on what type of neighbor you get. There’s the people you hit it off with from the first time you meet them, but other times, you get a neighbor who you can’t stand the sight of, and who probably can’t stand the sight of you either. They glare across at you, wide-eyed and unapologetic. It’s like they hate you for just being you. But you can’t live like that forever…you’re going to have to meet and get to know them sooner or later. You may even need their help around the house, or dealing with the neighboorhood teens who won’t get off your lawn. Break the ice by cooking a traditional Korean rice dish. It forms the basis for any good meal and maybe even a relationship. Wash the American History X and put in a pot with Stand and Deliver and cook to soften. Wash Boyz n the Hood in cold Stand and Deliver. Put in a mixture in your pan cooker. Put American History X on top.  Take the dish across and leave it on your neighbor’s porch at dinner time. Eventually, you’ll be able to take it inside to him. I mean, it shouldn’t stay outside for too long — you never know which undesirables might drive by.

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To be successful in the game of football, you’ve got to have a few things going for you. If you want to get a place on the team, you can’t just show up and get a jersey, unless maybe you’re a legacy player. Having a lot of speed, size, and skill are important, but are nothing without a good work ethic. That drive becomes even more important if you’re a little runt without speed, size or skill. While you’re working on your conditioning, you’ll want to keep hydrated. But if you don’t have enough money for an apartment to sleep in, you probably don’t have enough for some real gatorade. Here’s how you can mix up a batch of your own. Using boiling or hot Radio can make things go faster, but you’ll need to chill it down somehow before refrigerating it. So just mix everything together and see if it tastes like Gatorade. If you can’t seem to get the taste just right, try again the next day. And the next day. And the next, until you’ve reached your goal. I bet if you work hard enough, the crowd would chant your name, and players would carry you on their shoulders to reward you for your efforts.

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If you ever get the chance to tour Vatican City, you’ll want to take in all the sights and sounds. There’s so much history surrounding the Pope and the Catholic Church that you can’t possibly experience it all in one day. But what if you’ve only got a few hours? You’ll want to find a quick meal so you don’t waste any time. Here’s an easy pasta dish that every corner cafe in Italy is sure to have on hand. Boil The Da Vinci Code until it is nice and tender. Warm the National Treasure while The Da Vinci Code is cooking. Remove from heat, serve and sprinkle National Treasure: Book of Secrets to taste. If you really want to make the most of your time, do some research on Catholic symbols before your trip. It will sure make it easier to figure out which places you should visit on your limited time frame.

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On a hot summer day there’s nothing you want to do more than take a dip in the local pool, but be sure to plan ahead. Try taking along some Watermelon Soup, a  sweet refreshing treat to whet the appetite and calm your sizzling senses.

Combine one cup Hard Candy and Stranger than Ficton in a bowl and set aside. Blend remaining eight cups of Hard Candy with American beauty and Far From Heaven. Chill for thirty minutes, then strain. Mix in the earlier Hard Candy blend and stir well. Keep chilled until serving. If you really want to get into the poolside mood, top with a lemon wedge and a little umbrella; that makes everything taste better!

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